COWALUNGA SCENES, part 1

2003-08-15 at 4:29 p.m.

SCENE: street in Bucktown, Chicago. Our heroine, Kari, struggles out of a cab, heaving a large backpack out ahead of her. She heads around to the back of the cab, unhooks the tied-down trunk lid and hauls out a large (5'x7'x1') box as the cab driver waits to be paid. She blows hair out of her eyes as she sets the box down, eying the cab driver with a scowl, and roots around in various pockets until she comes up with a small fortune in cash. He takes the money and drives off, leaving her in front of Peter's house, a fantastic turn-of-the-century brownstone on a street of fantastic turn-of-the-century brownstones. She turns around, picks up the box, and laboriously hefts it, one step at a time, up the dozen or so steps to the front door. It is very muggy, but not very hot. Kari desperately wants a bath. Or a shower. Or maybe just a cup of coffee.

Peter, a dapper Kiwi with a wicked sense of humor, greets her at the door, hugs are shared, Kari goes inside.

SCENE: Kari and Peter have picked Ned up and brought him back to Peter's home. Ned is a shortish--well, mediumish--barrel-chested man with blondish-whitish hair and white beard, soft-spoken, with a tendency to turn bright red when he laughs. Kari and Ned bring two enormous boxes out to Peter's garage--Kari's cardboard box, and Ned's grey plastic box on wheels (roughly the same size).

Kari opens her box--it contains a red mountain bike, broken down, wrapped in cardboard and newspaper, and zip-tied to a large piece of cardboard.

Ned opens his box--it contains a titanium road bike, broken down, wrapped and sandwiched between giant pieces of foam.

Ned: Why don't we do yours first? It looks like it might take longer.

Kari: Just because I have the ghetto bike box next to your Lexus here--why ever would you think that?

Ned: Well, that, and I'm not really sure what we're doing, so I'd like to start with your bike.

(laughing)

Two and a half hours later, Kari's bike is assembled (mostly):

Kari: I love it when a plan comes together!

Peter: There was a plan?

SCENE: Peter and Kari are eating breakfast. They are both dressed in garishly loud bike shirts and obscenely tight-yet-padded-in-the-butt bike shorts. Kari has just gotten off her cell phone.

Kari: Looks like my friend isn't going to meet us there... should we get going then?

Peter: (calls out) NEEEEED! We need to get going!

Ned: (from elsewhere in the house) Coming!

SCENE: Twenty minutes later.

Peter: NEEEEED!

Ned comes scurrying up from the basement, shoes and socks not on, various accoutrements in his hands. Kari goes to help Ned get his bags to load in the car.

SCENE: Fifteen minutes later, Kari, Peter and Ned have three bikes and three bags loaded onto the Jeep and leave for Gurnee Mills.

SCENE: The bike ride's starting. 300 people, in a variety of garishly-colored bike shirts, obscenely tight-yet-padded-in-the-butt shorts. Riding with Kari, Peter, and Ned are Barb and her sister Angela, two amazingly fit sisters, and partners-in-crime Elizabeth, with a labret and an obscene sense of humor and devil-may-care attitude, and Kelly, a seemingly pragmatic and deceptively wicked thirty-something from Chicago. The bikers head out of the parking lot and are instantly in back-country farm roads.

Elizabeth: So, I have a joke.

Peter: Okay, hit it.

Elizabeth: How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag?

Peter: I don't know, how do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag?

Elizabeth: Take the S out of Safe, and the F out of Way!

Peter: (thinks about it, starts chuckling to himself)

Kari: (still confused) Wait, what?

Elizabeth: (biking up to Kari's side) Okay, take the S out of "Safe"...

Kari: ... yeah...

Elizabeth: ... and the F out of Way.

Kari: ... But there's no F in Way!

Elizabeth: Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all night!

Kari: ... OOOOoooooh! There's no F in Way!

(think about it for a second people, then say it out loud...)

SCENE: Lunchtime, halfway through the first day. They have gone thirty miles, and 300 bikers have descended on this tiny little town, most of them in a diner on the edge of town. The harried waitresses are all clearly Wisconsin teenagers, and are exceedingly nice. Kari is trying to find a place to park her bike outside.

Kari: Oh, wait, I have a kickstand!

Random Hardcore Biker: You have a kickstand? I'll just lean my bike up against yours!

Kari: You could, mine weighs about 100 pounds.

RHB: What, you like a challenge?

Kari: Apparently.

RHB: I'll have to remember not to make you mad, you could run me over.

Kari: Well, my bike could kick your bike's but in a playground fight.

RHB: Ah, but my bike could outrun yours.

Kari: Hm. Good point.

RHB: And what's with your backpack? You just felt like you needed some extra weight, Tank Girl?

Kari: Dude. Don't make the bike mad.

SCENE: Interior of the diner. Kari, Ned, Peter, and another guy are sitting down to a lunch of meat and fried things on bread. I think there's some lettuce under more fried things, but it's iceberg lettuce.

Ned: So how's your butt?

Kari: Mmm... not so hot.

Peter: What was it your friend asked Ned last night?

Kari: "Are YOU going to lube your butt TOO?"

Ned: (laughing) I said the last time someone asked me that was on South Beach! and boy was my wife surprised!

Kari: I swear, there is NO WAY I'm going to have a repeat of last year! I've got the shorts, a new seat, I've been training, and I have a whole tube of Chamois Butt'r and I'm putting it on EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR, PEOPLE.

Peter: I'm sure you'll do fine...

Ned: Are you sure you need that backpack? Is it just for your platypus? Because I have a camelbak you could use...

Kari: I've got my platypus and a camera and my Chamois Butt'r. I'm getting a picture of myself with cows this year, people. And the Chamois Butt'r is very. Very. Necessary.

They pay and then work their way outside.

SCENE: Kari, Elizabeth, Kelly, and The New Guy, John, from St. Charles, are winding their way into William's Bay Wisconsin. Big hills. Downhills. The good kind of hills.

Kari: (at the top of her lungs as they bomb the hills) So, my goal this year is to make it to the top of Death Hill without stopping. You guys want to stop with me for margaritas before we hit the hill of much deathness?

Elizabeth: Hell, yes, you didn't think you were going there without us, did you?

Kelly: It's GOT to make that hill easier.

Kari: Well, at least you care less.

John: Wait, there's a hill?

Kari: (takes off down another hill) There's no F in Waaaaaaaay!!!!

SCENE: Gordy's in William's Bay, in the midst of a bikini Hawaiian Tropics skank-o-thon. Kari, on her second margarita, interrupts one of those contestant in the bathroom, talking to a friend.

Random Bikini Contest Loser: I can't believe I didn't even place! I guess you have to have fake boobs and fake hair to win! I was like, you can see the combs!

Kari resist laughing outloud, but it's close.

SCENE: Near the top of the Hill That Satan Built. Kari, Kelly and Elizabeth, going as slow as you can go and still have forward motion, are single-mindedly pushing their way up the hill.

Kelly: I'm... not... gonna... make... it...

Kari: Do... what... I... did... last... year... stop... breathe... get... back... on... you... can... DO... it...

Elizabeth: (grunts)

Kelly gets off her bike, Kari and Elizabeth soldier on.

Ned: (approaching jauntily from the rear) Hello, ladies! How are you guys doing?

Kari: There's... no... F... in... Way... (turns a bend and see that what she thought was the top was merely a bend and there's still more) Jesus... Lord... Mary... Saints... Dammit... Hell... Shit...

Ned: (passes Kari, then turns around) Want to go down and do it again with me?

Elizabeth: (keeping eyes ahead) Crazy... fucker...

Ned: (as he goes back to the bottom) I've been looking forward to this hill all yeeeeeeaaaar...!

Kari: (as she eyes the top, praying it's really the top this time) Holy... Mary... Mother... Of God... Fuck... Fuck... Fuck... (she reaches the top but continues going slowly until feeling returns to her feet, letting Elizabeth speed up) See ya... at camp...

Kelly catches up to Kari

Kelly: You were so right, I made it, I didn't walk it!

Kari: I can't believe I forgot how much that hill sucks my ass. Literally.

Kelly: (jauntily passing Kari) see you at Conference Point!

John approaches from behind Kari.

John: What... the hell... was THAT????

Kari: There's... no F... in Way...

SCENE: Barb, Angela, Elizabeth, Kelly, John, Peter, and Kari, freshly scrubbed and dressed in normal clothes on the porch of their assigned cabin. The sun is setting across the water from them. It's a pleasent evening with a slight breeze.

Barb: Going to the Brat Fest with us tonight?

Kari: Well, I shouldn't, I really should eat the free food here...

Barb: C'mon, Kari...

Elizabeth: Hey, don't let money be a factor. Kelly and I are really good at getting other people to buy drinks for us.

Kari: ...I really shouldn't... I have just enough money for lunch the next two days.

Kelly: Don't be stupid.

Kari: Okay.

Peter: Now we just need Ned.

Kari: He's still getting ready, isn't he?

Kari and Peter start laughing.

Peter: NEEEEEED!

SCENE: Inside of the beer tent at the Brat Fest. Kari, Kelly, Elizabeth, Ned, Peter, John, Barb and Angela are crowded onto the end of a folding table. There are several--SEVERAL--pitchers of Miller scattered around the table in front of them. The detritus of a brat-and-corn-on-the-cob feast clutters the table. Various conversations are going on.

Elizabeth: I just want to know who brings a fur lined denim clutch purse to a Brat Fest?

Kelly: Oooh, tasty treat over there!

Barb: He's gay. He's got to be.

Elizabeth: I mean, look at her! I want to beat her over the head with her purse.

Kari: I think we should drink every time we see an overly patriot shirt. Sequins count double.

Kelly: And chug if you see "These Colors Don't Run!"

Kari: Exactly.

Peter: More beer?

Elizabeth: And then shove her little kitten heeled mules up her butt.

Kari laughs, leaning her head back, and then recoils in pain after slamming her head against what she's sure was a cement post. Silence falls at their table.

Ned: I feel like we should buy her beer.

Kari: No, I'm--

Ned: Not you, the woman behind you! You, we should cut off!

Kari looks around and sees an itty bitty woman hunched over her plate, taking off her glasses and still rubbing her head.

Kari: Oh, I'm so so so sorry...

Poor Woman: Are you okay?

Kari: I'm so so so so sorry....

Just then, Kari yelps as Elizabeth, trying to scoot out, puts her chair leg down on Kari's right foot (clad only in flip flops). It's so ludicrous, and she can't believe the sound that just came out of her mouth, so she starts laughing so hard she's crying. Elizabeth tries to apologize, but is laughing too hard to be taken seriously.

Poor Woman: Maybe you should just go home, dear...

Kari: Maybe I'll just go to the bathroom.

On her way back from the bathroom, as she's sidling between tables back to her chair, Random Woman With Big Hair scoots her chair out, right onto Kari's left foot. Kari's too dulled with pain to do much but moan as she limps back to her seat.

Kari: I'm never getting up again.

Elizabeth: Who wants more beer?

End day one.

Tomorrow: What's up with Kari's butt? And will she get a picture of herself with cows? And will the weather hold out? Stay tuned, campers, for the next installment of "As the Wheel Turns!"

0 people had something to say