Things I did not believe in until they happened to me.

2004-01-26 at 11:54 a.m.

• I didn't not believe Baby Crazy would happen. It's what happened to Other Girls, Those Girls who traveled in packs and curled their hair and wore black halter tops with khaki pants and cunning little handbags to the bars in Lincoln Park. It's what happens to women who buy Jettas because they think it'll attract a higher class of boyfriend. It's what happens to girls who didn't want to look Too Smart so didn't volunteer in class.

  And I have been proven wrong, because out of nowhere, like a big fat wet-towel-rattail on the back of my head, I have been whapped with the Baby Crazy stick. Me want one. Me want one bad bad bad.

  I hate myself.

• I used to mock the cards that agonized over growing older. What, these milestone birthdays won't bug me!!! Come on! I'm living a great life!

  I turn 30 on Wednesday. For some reason, this does not jibe at all with my mental picture of myself.

  Of course, in my mental self portrait, I am like Sidney Bristow and can climb a rope, do more than one pushup, and speak flawless Russian. So, we all know how much my mental image reflects reality.

• And I truly don't believe the above two points are related.

• Shut up.

• I must be old, because I look at other college students who are more of a traditional age, and not only do I think they look so goddamn young but I also think they dress like skank hos. I truly never believed that I would make comparisons on clothes between today and "back in the day". Lord love a duck.