Showers of babies

2004-08-30 at 5:21 p.m.

1. Wear something nice, because some jackass is going to have to take pictures. At least wear a nice bra so it doesn't look like you have an extra roll of stomach.

2. Bring a present for the mommy-to-be. Apparently this is important. And if the in-laws are going to be there, and the baby is a boy, don't even try to compete because someone is going to buy them a freaking college education or a Hummer or something.

3. Try to sit far far far from the tasty snacks. Remember that you are not the pregnant one, and you really are only eating for one.

4. Include a card, or people just freak out.

5. Some of your friends are the cutest pregnant people in the whole entire world. No, seriously.

Things I wish other people would learn about baby showers:

1. Provide wine.

2. Have enough seats. Especially if there are a lot of gifts.

3. Don't. Just don't. Don't ask that question that's swirling around your brain right now as you contemplate me admiring the baby stuff. Because if you have to ask the question, you aren't close enough to me to get the real answer.

4. No, I really meant that last one. Do not ask about my plans, my timetable, or my desires. Just don't. It's not my day, it's none of your business, and I don't even want to go into it or you would know already.

Why does it seem that everyone is pregnant these days? I'm sure it's partly my age--my girlfriends from high school and college are pairing off and hitting thirty and yadda yadda yadda. And I'm sure it's partly my sensitivity--because we've got more difficulty with it than you'd think to look at us, because we're broke and I'm starting on a new career and the timing is really bad right now even if it were easy, because life is just weird... but it really does seem like I've got more than the normal number of friends who have or are having kids.

There was this time in college where I was working lights and assistant directing this show, and there was a big battle scene with people swinging scary wicked battle axes at each other and stuff. I screwed up the lights and they starting going out during the battle scene which freaked a friend right the fuck out. Mostly because she was swinging a sword at another cast member and she realized--more than I did--exactly how close she could have come to irreperably harming him during the darkness. As soon as I realized the mistake we flipped the lights on and called a halt--all this took a matter of seconds, and my friend was nearly hysterical.

I exploded out the lighting booth and ran down to the stage and just held her, shushing her just like a child as she babbled how close she'd come to hurting her sparring partner. "I know it was scary," I soothed. "I know, it's okay, it's over, it's okay."

She calmed down in a bit and hugged me back.

"You're going to be a great mom," she told me.

I keep thinking about that these days.

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