Surprise! and not the kind with people hiding behind couches.

2005-08-15 at 8:05 p.m.

Seriously, SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.

I got a call from a credit collections agency. That, in and of itself, is enough to make me pee myself a little bit out of fear. I've been known to be forgetful (hey, shush, you) so it's not ENTIRELY out of the realm of possibility that I've missed a whole series of late payment notices but I have to say it would be a surprise. And Andrew is a master bill payer, and with myself being a master mail-opener and filing taskmaster, this double team would make it an even bigger surprise. But the pee-impulse is still there.

Turns out, though, that he wants me to pay an $80 University of Chicago hospital bill. Considering the only hospitals I visited in Chicago were unaffiliated with the University, and that those would have been more than three years ago, this would be a surprise. And considering the charge in question is from last September, this would be an even greater surprise.

The thing is this: there's another woman with my name in Chicago. Same first name, same LAST name. Considering my first name isn't the commonest of common in this country, this is a bit--well, surprising. I found out about it when I went to give blood one time and they got my name right, and my birthday wrong. When I went to correct them, I found that there was another Kari. Who was born eight days before me. In Chicago. Also living on the north side.

So I've always insisted on using my middle initial. I really feel for the Jennifer Smiths and Hector Valdezes of the world, but record keepers EXPECT and are PREPARED for having more than one of them. More than one of Kari? Not so much. At least not with the same January 1974 birthing information.

And I totally get the desire to name a child Wilderness or Dy'teishnia, just so this won't happen to them.

Now, this account, this University of Chicago lab account. They have MY social and MY (Oregon!) address attached to it. The previous address ISN'T my address. The birthdate? HERS. I talk to the very nice man at the credit collections agency, saying that I could have a notarized statement saying that not only was I NOT in Chicago, but I was actually teaching high schoolers on that day.

He says he'll look into it.

I call Equifax and immediately put a fraud warning on my credit report. And start getting scared. It's not the $80, it's that my social is attached to something that CLEARLY isn't mine.

I call University of Chicago and talk to them. Turns out this charge is for an intestinal test of some sort--not the kind that I wouldn't notice, and I'm pretty sure I haven't had any cotton swabs up my ass in the last year or so. So the "I was teaching that day!" isn't going to help. But this is getting seriously fucked up because they say that Humana Insurance gave them this information which means that Humana--an insurance company I don't believe I've ever used, by the way--has my social. Or address. Or something.

University of Chicago Hospitals, by the way, has a totally rocking woman named Stephanie who spent thirty minutes on the phone with me trying to figure this out, asking me who my doctor was, trying to find SOME sure piece of evidence that would either exclude me or positively conclude it WAS me. She found neither, but we worked, and worked, and worked.

I'm a little a-skeered by this right now, and about ready to gun up for battle. This other Kari, she may have eight days on me, but she's got NOTHING on my tenacity if she's pooped in my sandbox. Or test tube. Whatever.

So, on my order of business tomorrow: Humana, threatening legal action, and probably a police report. After a call to my folks to whine a little bit.

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