Retail therapy.

2003-09-28 at 8:39 p.m.

Whee.

The bookstore is pretty funny. But the customers? Maybe I get a bad glimpse of them because the only ones I talk to are as dumb as a box of really really dumb rocks.

There are inappropriate and appropriate questions to ask at a bookstore. For example:

Appropriate: "How much does this cost?"

Inappropriate: "What size binders should I get if I have English, Bio, and freshman seminar?"

Appropriate: "What time do you close?"

Inappropriate: "I know you're closing in five minutes, but do you mind if I try on backpacks for fifteen?"

Appropriate: "Do you have this sweatshirt in a large?"

Inappropriate: "If there's a card in front of the books for my class that says not to buy books until after the first class, should I wait until after the first class?"

Appropraite: "Do you have spiral bound graph paper?"

Inappropriate: "What kind of supplies should I get for my son if he has a calculus class and he's going to be an engineer?"

How do these people get into college?

Everyone--EVERYONE--should be required to work six months in retail. Preferably through a rush, whether it's back to school or Christmas or what. Because then, sweet Lord, would everyone be so much less of a big giant flaming hemorrhoid when walking into a store.

The rules are pretty simple.

1. Be aware of when the store closes. If they have an announcement that comes over the speaker saying the store will close in fifteen minutes, please don't be shocked when, fifteen minutes later, they announce they're closing. They aren't saying this to fuck with you, y'know. They actually want to leave. Sometime, y'know, when you're ready.

2. Don't hide shit. If you change your mind, don't put it back any ol' place. Ask a salesperson. "I'm sorry, I decided against these, but I forget where they go. Can I leave them on the counter here?" Much better than finding textbooks hidden under sweatshirts, candy melting under coffeemugs, and molecular construction kits hidden with the infant clothes.

3. Think before you ask a question. There are 21,000 students at PSU--that means there's a fuck load of classes. I'm not gonna know what you need for your The Presence of Women in 19th Century American Literature class--even when you tell me who the professor is. And I'm really, really not gonna care.

4. Look around before you ask a question. When you're standing right in front of the spirals and you ask me where the spirals are? I mock you as soon as you go back upstairs. Sometimes I don't even wait until then.

5. Put your damn cell phone down if you're going to ask me for help. Hang that shit up, girlfriend. I've got shit to do and other people to help that will actually hear me when I answer their questions.

6. When the store says it's closing? Leave.

Damn, retail is fun and exciting.

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