Clunky Metaphors "R" Us
2004-04-30 at 7:10 p.m.
"You can't control other people, you can only control your reactions to them."Great advice, but what if I don't know what to do with my reaction? I mean, I have a whole jumble of reactions churning around inside, fighting for supremecy. I'm like a pregnant woman in the swiftness of mood change. I'm depressed--no, wait--really really angry--no, no, hold on--I'm calm, almost zen-like--wait, make that just really really sad... ah, wait, here I am depressed again.
There's shit going on that doesn't go up on the website, has no business on the website, mostly because it's something someone else has done. Arguably this person was in control and therefore it was intentional and therefore there should be no reason why I couldn't post it, but at the same time, this is someone I do love and care for, and so should this person (can we come up with a gender neutral pronoun in English, please? Because I don't want to use "he/she" but this whole "this person" crap is getting tiresome) come to their senses and realize what has happened, seeing it rehashed here (and I have no idea whether this site is something this person would ever see or not) would be unnecessarily painful.
Not to mention I wouldn't want this person's actions to be used as a tool against them. They are causing enough damage as it is.
Besides, I can't control what this person does, right? I can only control my reaction to it.
But I don't know what my reaction is. I don't know how to react, what to say, what to do--if anything at all. I don't know whether to react. I don't know if this... situation... changes future plans. I don't know if it should.
And I don't like not knowing. I don't like not being able to define a Sensible Course of Action. If I could define an SCA, I could work through whatever emotions were keeping me from implementing said SCA. I could acknowledge them, say, "This one will help me with my SCA", or "That one, while I feel it and that's fine, will not help me acheive my SCA, so let me do what I need to do to work through it." I could own them, organize, file, and then label everything, tuck them away. Rather than leaving them like shoes sprawled just inside the front door to trip me up when I least expect it. To take a crazy metaphor to some rather insane limits.
This is all very vague and cloaked in "this person"s, but mostly that's because I feel vague. I feel uncoordinated and unplanned and sort of anchorless. On a rather tempestuous sea, in fact. And I can't figure out if I want to go back to shore or just keep sailing to new waters entirely. Bleagh, is THAT ever getting clunky as a literary tool.
Guess it's time to just start bailing. I'm sure there's a boat under here somewhere.
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