Deep freeze.

2005-04-23 at 2:51 p.m.

I feel like I'm in suspended animation. I am employed right now, but not for next year. "You never knoooooow," sing songs the motherly teacher in my hallway. "You never knoooow what miiiiight haaaappen between now and theeeeen!" She means it to be encouraging or maybe reassuring, but it's mostly just irritating. I'm aware of that, y'know... me, of all peoples, I'm aware you never knoooooow. That doesn't really make the uncertainty any more comfortable.

"All of life is uncertainty, doll!"

That's me quoting myself to myself. I'm such an ass. Because yes, you never knooooow, but that means I could be unemplooooooyed next year and that would SUCK.

So, I was hired this Christmas to replace a teacher who was going on sabbatical. Now, nothing against young teachers--some can be great. But Dude, the guy who went to Costa Rica on a Spanish immersion program, is one of those teachers who became a teacher right out of college because there wasn't anything else he really wanted to do, and this way he could get summers off. He openly mocks people who like math ("Well, Kari, are you a math major, or did you major in math? There's a difference you know."). He has told at least one girl, "A girl like you doesn't need math, you have art." He specifically designs his tests so that they're easier to grade. He prides himself on doing as little work as possible.

He's a very nice person, really, and so I feel bad about this but: look, you're 25 and you needed a sabbatical? Summers off weren't enough for you? Are you sure this is the career for you?

I guess it's just frustrating because frankly, I'm a muuuuch better teacher than he is. This school, this situation, is not ideal for me, by a longshot, but it's also a great opening spot to begin my teaching career. And it hurts, hurts, HURTS to lose a position that has come to feel like it's mine to someone who is a poorer teacher. Even though the position was never really mine to lose.

I talked to a couple teachers and they say the real hiring "season" doesn't start until May, and then the calls will start rolling in.

I'd love to teach in a school that is committed to teaching concepts and thinking, not just processes and problems. Where there is a diversity of teachers, students and community. Where school discipline isn't based on "how can we punish this?" but on "what is causing this?" Where every assembly isn't about a freaking court of priveleged pretty white people. Where the math department is committed to reaching every student, not determined to find only the students who excel. Where the other teachers are excited to try something new when what exists isn't working--where teachers can recognize when something isn't working. Where students know they are respected, and that their teachers are interested in them as people, not just as test-takers and hallway-cloggers. Where students are greated with "I'm glad you're here," and where they are thanked at the end of the day. Where hard work and experimentation is valued as much or more than "the right answer".

I don't know what school that is, if there is any school like that. Probably not. But that's where I want to work. Where I can be goofy in front of the class, where I can experiment with group tests and team teaching and take home tests and geomtry projects and that's a GOOD thing, not just an ODD thing. Where every student is not only expected, but expects themselves to try hard and get somewhere with math, every kind of math, not just "enough" math.

I'm depressing myself.

Most of all, though, I want a job where I can get to know the students and watch them grow up for four years. Where I can go to the graduation ceremony and watch kids walk across the podium and realize how far they've come and how hard they've worked. I want to invest in my students' lives, just a little bit. And I think I can do that almost anywhere.

So hold your breath till May, 'kay? Hopefully someone will want me too.

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